On Making Friends

Making friends with someone from another country is never easy. It takes time and effort, often with lots of awkwardness sprinkled in between – something I think many of us (both Korean and foreign) don’t fully realize at the outset. I should know; I’ve been going to a language exchange every week for almost two years now and still have very few Korean friends.

However, going to language exchange is for many Koreans and foreigners a primary way to meet each other and make friends. It was one of the reasons I started going in the first place as well. But the thing is, meeting someone from another culture means coming into contact with different value systems. That may seem a bit like stating the obvious (after all, that is one of the reasons we all came to teach in Korea, right?) but it’s something all too often underestimated, especially at these language exchanges.

When people don’t necessarily share the same values, almost nothing can be taken for granted. The reason we get along so well with close friends is because there’s so much we can take for granted in the relationship. We already know what constitutes fun between us and what doesn’t. Conversations don’t require much context because we already know most of it through our shared values and experiences.

None of that is there when you communicate someone from a different culture or sub-culture from your own, at least initially. That’s why so much of the conversation at language exchange tends to be on mundane topics. Anything beyond that tends to require common values and experiences.

That’s not to say that genuine cross-cultural friendships can’t develop, however. With persistence and effort it is possible to build a close relationship through creating new shared experiences and mutually recognizing where value systems differ. Indeed, through the shared experience of Ultimate Frisbee I’ve become close with people from many different nationalities through a simple sport. Our values might not necessarily align, and I’m sure ultimate doesn’t even mean the same thing to everyone who plays it, but it certainly does act as a medium through which cross-cultural friendships can develop.

The only problem with language exchange is that there isn’t necessarily that medium there to build friendships with. It’s just sitting across from a stranger or acquaintance with a cup of coffee. It’s still possible to build cross-cultural friendships, but it’s going to take considerably more effort since there’s no common ground to begin with.

Something to keep in mind if you find yourself frustrated with always talking about weekend plans and hobbies at language exchange.